the first one

it's my birthday and i'll... nevermind...

Well well well, if it isn’t my 31st birthday where i finally decide to launch the blog.
Crickets in here, though - how do i become a world famous writer without having to suffer the embarrassment of actually telling everyone that’s what i want to do? Or that I’m actively pursuing it…

I don’t know. And actually, now that i have you here, let me just show you what this process has looked like over the course of the last few weeks:

I recently rediscovered inner child work. I’m all up in the asshole of spirituality, and navigating finding my own flavor of it over the years. A lot of it has felt like it teetered the line of psychosis and delusion, and now (maybe 10 years later) that i have a better handle on the science of the game, i get to go back into the archives and dig up old practices that before i really got it felt fluffy and dumb lol.

That process in recent years has been really cool because previously, sitting cross legged talking to an imaginary toddler and telling her “everything is okaaay, i love youuuu, mommy doesnt actually hate youuu…” idk it felt stupid.

And now it’s changing my life.

So anyway, over Christmas break I was subject to a 4 hour drive all alone in the middle of nowhere, listening to my favorite podcast (Out Of Our Minds) and this particular episode was about time. I’m not new here, i know it’s a construct, i understand why, happy to get into it another… time… lol. [laughs in millennial]

But they explained that inner child healing works (when you take it seriously) because your consciousness is ever present - like, it’s present throughout your timeline. So when you’re sitting with the sad toddler, you’re really there, because your active consciousness has actually flipped back to that page of the book.

Or ahead if you’re doing some scripting/future mapping idk this is all very glossy… I just wanna give some context in case you, dear reader, have no fuckin idea what i’m talking about. “Didn’t she just mock psychosis? Why are we talking to imaginary friends?”

I know. Whatever. It works. Chill.

Another thing they touched on is that - hi - the whole thing is a projection of everything you’ve internalized your whole life, but more specifically in your little baby formative years.

Again, i just need to be heard when i say I KNEW THAT ALREADY.
Brother, i knew that.
But you hear something over and over again for half your life, it loses all meaning altogether and it’s like saying Namaste to your neighbor and not actually registering that that human actually has thoughts too.

Jesus do i need to start a podcast? Are your eyes sore?
Have i felt the ping of self judgement that this is too long-winded and nobody cares and everyone hates me and i’m an idiot?

Why, yes and actually that’s the whole point so maybe we could actually get into it:

I want to write on the internet because posting on the internet and receiving some kind of engagement is really fun.

I used to share longer posts on insta because it felt good to put a thought out there, expand on it, and get feedback from my friends or acquaintances, or random followers and build connections.

It felt good to share iPhone VSCO pictures of mountains and grass accompanied by writing that felt vaguely significant. I stopped posting because i choked lol.

I felt defeated that I wasn’t getting “enough” engagement and i made it mean that it wasn’t good content. And maybe it wasn’t, but instead of allowing myself to sit in that discomfort and keep pushing/growing through it, i took a big step back and now it’s even worse engagement and i feel like a kid at the end of a talent show where everyone leaves early to beat the traffic.

I still wrote, like every day. My ego wasn’t so bruised that i quit doing the thing that keeps me alive. But i stopped sharing because it felt pointless. And it still does if I’m being honest, largely because i cant get it all out there the way i want to on that app. I’m a long-form girlie, can you tell?

I wanted to start this thing to show myself that it’s fine if nobody reads it or appreciates it. And that it’s also fine if they do read it and they do hate it lol.

So, when I finally took the time to sit cross-legged with the toddler, i realized that when she felt rejected she decided it meant she shouldn’t try. And i let her carry that for like 25 years. We talked about it, and because I’m really smart and old, i told her (in short):

“Those moments didn’t mean you weren’t good enough, or that you were bad. It only meant that someone else’s capacity to hold space for you - your art, your energy, etc. - wasn’t a match for all that you are. And it makes perfect sense that a kid would shut it all down to protect herself (and me) from ever feeling that way again.” I told her i was so grateful, because the intention was coming from deep self love and self preservation. I told her that it wasn’t her job to protect us from this anymore, and that she could be free to fully express herself.

This was a deep meditation. I pictured us sitting together face to face with her little hands in mine looking deeply into each others eyes. I saw the moment the switch flipped and I felt, very viscerally, that she now understood her role in all of this.

She previously didn’t understand that it wasn’t her responsibility to monitor or manage anyone else’s reactions to her. That it wasn’t her fault that her parents lacked the patience, or that her teachers didn’t understand her, or that her coaches couldn’t see what she was dealing with. It wasn’t her fault that her best wasn’t enough for these people, and that she didn’t have the slightest clue how to regulate herself in any other way than to completely stop trying altogether. Now, i could see that she understood the assignment. Play. That’s all i wanted from her.

I cried a lot after that little sesh.

I looked around at my life and saw all the aspects I’m genuinely so grateful for, right next to others that are a direct reflection of this unchecked shadow. All the ways i show up as a half-self because of this program running in the background that said i need to keep the mask on or God knows what could happen to me.

And wouldn’t you know it, just two days later a little birdie dropped an ad for Substack in my insta stories. I felt excited for a moment, then sick to my stomach because no one wants to read this, and then remembered that even if that’s true, it has nothing to do with whether or not i should write. A couple weeks later and I’m pressing “publish”.

I’m a universe girlie, and i know a thing or two about synchronicity and subconscious programming. The ad may have been there before i did this work, and i just wouldn’t have seen it. It wouldn’t have been significant because the door was closed.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” The opportunities are everywhere all the time, friend.

If you’re not seeing them, those doors are just closed. Good news? You have the key.

It’s probably under your childhood bed next to all of the gorgeous toys you shoved under there because someone told you it was time to grow up.

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I don’t know if you made it to the end of this, if you did then I thank you endlessly. It means a lot to me to be received all the way. Little by little I’m working to dismantle these fears and take my throne as your favorite famous writer.

I also need to know what you thought and what kinds of sticky fears and shadows you’re grappling with. I need the tea. I’m dehydrated.

Like and subscribe -
Love to you,

-Shelby Lynn